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What Are Your Flaws?

November 19, 2015

What are your flaws? // The Lady Freak

In fourth grade I found out my hair was not blonde enough. In sixth grade, I noticed my eyes were WAY too squinty. In eighth grade I looked up the term “roman nose,” after my grandfather told me I had one of those, and subsequently decided that my nose bump needed go to the TOP of my “flaws” list ASAP.

I spent 27 years thinking about those flaws. They didn’t eat me up like termites, but they tickled up my ankles like ants—itchy, not inhibiting.

As I’ve grown, matured (pronounced the annoying way), wised up a bit, gotten damaged in the tide of life, I’ve begun to realize I have even MORE flaws than I knew. Not wrinkles, a slowing metabolism or less elastic skin. Not a stray gray or sun spots or callouses on my heels that will never go away despite thousands of pedicures.

These flaws are worse. Deeper and darker.

They’re inside.

Like, character flaws. Not my organs. My organs are probably fine (I have check ups and stuff and my doctor always offers me soothing metaphors of cancer being like shark attacks as a way to keep me off Web MD. He doesn’t know I’m also very afraid of sharks but I keep that to myself because I know the wait room gets busy in his office and I have more pressing concerns to share with him, usually).

After 27 years of wondering about the topography of my nose it’s kind of embarrassing to admit that I seldom considered the landscape of my guts. My heart and soul—the soft stuff.

Am I a kind person? Am I selfish? Am I a good friend? A good daughter? A good partner? Are my insides pretty? Full of light? Forgiveness, and patience, and white doves? Why haven’t I cared that much? Are they all rusted up from neglect? Were they previously on autopilot, leading me to mediocre levels of generosity and selflessness?

It’s one of life’s funniest little pranks isn’t it? With wisdom you realize the stupidity of fretting over physical flaws, but then you start to realize there’s all this inside stuff to concern yourself with.

Anyways, I’m downloading a meditation app and passing out Luna bars to the homeless because rusty insides are worse than nose bumps, as it turns out.


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Hey, Hi Me Again

November 5, 2015

The Lady Freak

Well, crap—I still have a blog. Did you forget about it—this little URL here? I did but I didn’t, you know? Sort of like those leftovers that have been in the fridge for too long. You know they’re there. You know you’re not going to eat them, but wasting food is bad! Kids have air-filled bellies covered in flies on TV and you’re throwing out your Pad Thai like a royal dick! Just because you’d rather go to Whole Foods and spend $13 on salad bar mac and cheese than eat your leftovers does not make it okay. You should blog! You should’ve eaten that Pad Thai when it was in the window of food safety!

Anyways, I was doing a lot of things while I was not-blogging, if that matters. I was living in a mouse-filled, charming little apartment in NYC, binge-watching Law and Order (only SVU) and overeating fried rice. I was walking around Manhattan at dusk—buzzed, invigorated, and invincible. I was listening to a sprightly Mexican hospice nurse play guitar for my Granddad as he died in a plastic hospital bed placed in the center of the living room. I was moving home–across the country–after thinking about the decision for approximately 12 whole hours. I was falling in love over lukewarm plates of food in the manicured-lawn suburb I grew up in. I was writing words for other people, running their blogs, tweeting their tweets, posting their statuses.

I was doing a lot while I was not writing my blog, which is all a long-winded, roundabout way of saying: “hey, hi, I missed you.”

I didn’t know what to do with the old posts that were here. In a way they were a warm and sweet archive of my life. In another way they were dated and wrong, like looking back at your worst ex-boyfriends and thinking, “you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, girlfriend.” So, I deleted them in favor of a fresh start here.

Why am I back? Ultimately, what the world needs most right now is another lifestyle blog.

But really, while I’m grateful for the lovely, kind people that pay me to write and think things on their behalf, there’s nothing like writing whatever the hell you want.

So I’m turning the lights on in this joint. Expect to hear from me regularly. I’m going for it this time around.

Smoochies and tickles,